It’s probably not what you think.
We have all lost people. We have all experienced the paralyzing numbness, fear, pain. Some of us, admittedly, have experienced it more than others have.
The first few days are always the worst. We can’t sleep, can’t breathe, can’t think of anything else. And even if we begin to, we stop ourselves, because if we allow ourselves to be distracted, does it mean that we don’t care enough?
After a while, we let ourselves wander. We create diversions, because we know that we can’t keep living like this. Living in a shell made of grief. We do whatever we love most, but it doesn’t feel the same. Again, we catch ourselves feeling guilty. How can we try to be happy when they’re no longer there?
It’s true, time makes everything better. Sometimes, however, there isn’t enough of it. We pull through, day by day, week by week, month by month, but it still hurts. It still hurts, but it hurts less. It’s no longer a massive force crushing the breath out of us — it’s more of a consistent, debilitating ache. A weight in our chest that just won’t seem to go away. Eventually, we find it within ourselves to push it back, to continue with our lives unshackled. But at night, or in the shower, or anywhere else, our thoughts come back to haunt us.
Their image is painted on the insides of our eyelids, but like everything else, it begins to fade. Their voice cracks and breaks like the radio when the station is just too far away. Suddenly, we can’t remember the way they laugh, or the glitter in their eyes when they’re about to cry.
What does this say about us? Are we bad people now? Do we not miss them enough? Love them enough?
But what does missing someone really mean?
People say that you can’t miss what you’ve never had, but is that really true?
Missing someone isn’t just wishing for one last smile, one last hug. It isn’t just wanting to see them again, to have them back forever. Missing someone means that a part of us is gone. Missing. It means that there’s a hole in our life, a space that they used to fill now empty. It means that something is wrong now, something that’s always been right and can never be again. Missing means lost. We don’t need to have been found to lose our way.
When we’re missing someone, it isn’t just them. It ourselves, too. Us the way we used to be, before we were changed, changed forever. Nothing can ever be the same again, and that’s okay. Change is inevitable. But sometimes, change doesn’t come the way we want it to. In this case, it tears a piece of our souls away from us, without which we’re incomplete. We aren’t just missing them — they are missing from us.
Missing someone doesn’t mean we can never think of anything else — we can, and we should. It means that there’s a spot reserved in our hearts for them, and even though that particular void can’t be refilled, the other vacant ones can. Fill them.
